Always getting drawn into an argument with your child? Here are 6 brain-based (and easy) ways to shut arguments down and keep the peace by teaching self-advocacy.
Have you ever asked your child to please stop arguing, only to be told
“No, I’m not!”?
Sounds funny reading it. But when you’re in the moment? Not as much, am I right?
Or how about daily (hourly?) sibling squabbles?
Do you wish you could just wave a wand and have your kids magically know that they don’t always have to go straight to fighting or arguing?
Friend, I have fabulous news for you – you can! In this article, I’ll explain why your kids argue in the first place and some specific ways you can start teaching them – today – how to ask for what they want a little…quieter 😉
Why do kids argue & fight?
Some kids who constantly argue and fight can be labelled “rude”, “disobedient”, “stubborn”, and the like. In reality?
Our kids lack the skills to properly express their needs and wants. More specifically, they have undeveloped skills in executive functioning and effective communication (or self-advocacy).
Executive functioning is our complex thinking brain. It is a set of skills that help us successfully navigate through our day, such as thinking of what we’ll need before a task, stopping ourselves before hitting a sibling, and staying focused on a person speaking to us. And they are essential to teaching your child an alternative to arguing.
3 complex thinking superpowers your kids need to stop arguing
1. Metacognition
Metacognition is the ability to self-reflect. In the case of an argument: what do we want and what do we have to do to get it? What do I need the other person to know so they can fulfill my need?
Now, in the case of children, this skill won’t be fully developed until adulthood! So in many cases, children simply haven’t learned how to take “I want this” and reframe it into a civil conversation.
2. Flexible thinking
Flexible Thinking, on the other hand, is the ability to understand the other person’s perspective. “Walking in their shoes” genuinely takes a great amount of maturity and experience!
Children with underdeveloped flexible thinking skills aren’t able to understand why their request is inconvenient, socially unacceptable or is even refused at all.
They are still learning how to understand social expectations and that someone might feel differently than they do.
3. Communication skills // self-advocacy
Finally, your child is probably still learning communication skills: how to verbalize their needs in a way that is respectful, concise and effective. This takes teaching, practice, and a whole lot of patience.
Behind that frustrating method of arguing or fighting with their siblings, your child essentially wants to feel heard.
In their world of (usually necessary) nos, they just want a bit of autonomy and control over their lives.
But.
Let’s take a moment to consider our more human parenting moments. What are we teaching our children when we forget our own executive functioning skills and argue right back?
what happens when we argue back?
We’ve all gotten into a soured tennis match with our child, serving our frustration, need for control or cutting remarks right back to our child.
And it’s so hard to stop once we’ve started, isn’t it?
That’s because, by being drawn into an argument, our emotional brain takes over the complex thinking one. We become reactive, self-centred, and sometimes say or do things that bring guilt and regret afterwards.
And a natural consequence is that our children feel unsafe. Unsafe with coming to us with their needs, unsafe with how we’ll respond.
The hard truth about arguing with our kids
Arguing with our children can cause spiritual, emotional and mental harm to a child. When we get into a verbal serve-and-return match, we treat them like they’re grown adults… when they’re not.
Instead, when our children’s emotional brains have taken over, they need gentle, clear boundaries of what is acceptable speech, tone and behaviour – and when you can later continue the conversation.
In other words, we as parents need to shut the argument down.
And I know that’s not as easy as it sounds.
I have one daughter who will doggedly chase me down to continue. “But why…” or even accuse me of ignoring her when I don’t join in her argument.
But arguing back doesn’t guide our children in the right direction.
What to do instead of arguing back
So what can you do that will bring a positive change?
First, we can change our mindset: this moment should not be about being right or defending our answer.
It’s the relationship that needs to be nurtured and emphasized. We need to listen to their needs hidden behind the conflict and guide the conversation to those needs instead of arguing.
Because kids’ metacognition isn’t fully developed yet, they might not even know what the root problem is.
They might be fighting that it’s not fair their brother always gets what he wants and they never get a turn, but we can intuitively hear what their hearts are telling us:
- They’re feeling left out
- They don’t feel respected
- Why doesn’t he love them enough to share?
Instead of arguing, let’s zero in on the heart problem.
How to stop arguing in its tracks. part a: develop metacognition & flexible thinking skills
There are some practical steps to take from de-escalating emotions to problem-solving and re-connecting relationships:
- Respond in a calm but firm tone that this argument is not the best way to ask for what they want. You can discuss it later at [this specific time]. (I have a great tip for this coming soon)
- If you can, calm down alongside your child. Walk away from the problem and choose a short, distracting activity together (like a volcano box).
- Once they’re calm, name the initial emotion and hurt for them so they’ll start becoming aware of how to verbalize what’s bothering them inside before reacting (there’s an emotions poster to help with this in the free Family Communication Pack)
- Ask questions about the situation and listen to the answers. Then dig a bit deeper with that metacognition skill to draw out the real heart problem behind the conflict.
- Self-reflect on how they (or you both) didn’t handle the situation well, but do it with gentleness, validating emotions
- Role-play what your child could say or do better next time (or if it’s still pretty recent, have them try it out right away)
- Walk your child through the other’s perspective and feelings. You could flip the scenario and ask how they would feel if….
- Problem-solve together how to best resolve the conflict, making sure to sincerely consider the child’s ideas
- Affirm your love for the child and confidence that they’re growing their skills
Alright?
Next. My favourite method to reduce arguments is teaching our kids how to communicate effectively. And self-advocacy is our ticket to doing that.
how to stop arguing in its tracks. part b: develop self-advocacy skills
Self-advocacy is the ability to clearly and effectively express our needs to another so that, ideally, they’ll be met.
We as adults self-advocate often to our spouses, our bosses, our children, even to God in some of our prayers!
And as counter-intuitive as it seems, teaching our children self-advocacy skills as an alternative to arguing will bring more peace into your home.
Let’s explore some practical ways to practice this skill this week.
6 ways to jumpstart self-advocacy skills
1. Explain self-advocacy with a mirror and magnifying glass
I like to use a mirror and a magnifying glass analogy with kids when it comes to arguing vs self-advocacy. Bonus points if you can grab real ones for a concrete lesson.
- I explain that when we argue, we hand the other person a mirror and their answer reflects our attitude
- Then I have my kids re-enact how they sound, their facial expressions and body language when they argue and have them look at themselves in the mirror I’m holding
- Next, I let them know that people don’t want to say yes or listen to what we want when we argue. They hear our voice, look at our faces and their answer mirrors us.
- Now, with self-advocacy, we put down the mirror and hand the person a magnifying glass.
- They’re able to zoom in on exactly what we need and why it’s important to us. We’re detectives together, trying to find a way we both get what we want.
2. Introduce the MAYI method for self-advocacy
The simplest way to teach kids to verbalize what they want is to use the MAYI method. This is a great formula for kids to know how to speak respectfully and clearly.
3. Practice silly scenarios then graduate to real-life role-play
The Effective Communication Toolkit has task cards for this specific purpose.
Start with light-hearted fun by practicing MAYI with silly ideas. My favourite is “Mom, can I please have a pet unicorn or yeti?”
Your child will then need to walk through MAYI giving reasons why they want it, things they would do to help you say yes. And especially practice the pause while they wait for an answer. This little intentional act of self-control will help seal the coffin on arguing once and for all.
Once they’ve practiced enough light-hearted ideas, it’s time to move on to more real-life situations.
Once again, use task cards or brainstorm scenarios they’ve encountered in the past or might soon, to prepare them ahead of time.
If, over the next few weeks, they automatically start arguing, stop them. Set the rewind button, and have them try again using the MAYI method.
4. Affirm they’re heard and that their voice matters with regular family meetings
When emotions are high, it’s not time to discipline, teach or even talk much at all. Those can all come later when both parties are calm and receptive to hear.
My kids are slow processors, especially with calming down from bigger emotions. Therefore, I don’t usually deal with the problem right away. Instead, I focus on acknowledging that I hear their hearts and I redirect their fights/arguments to a better opportunity to be heard. This way I’m still affirming their voice.
quick tip: have a family meeting planner on the fridge
This sheet, found in the free Family Communication Pack, has blank spots for weekly problems that come up that the family would like to address.
It could cover screentime rules, disrespecting boundaries, feeling like someone isn’t sharing enough…
Any disagreement we can’t immediately solve, we stop and write it on the planner. Then every week or two, we all come together to go over our heart problems.
There are snacks, so we all show up😉 We’re calm, so we can problem-solve together with our rational brains instead of our emotional ones.
My kids now write things on the planner without my promptings or guidance. Win for the developing brain!
5. Be the parent but protect the relationship: If you have to give a no or not yet, explain why // validate feelings
I define my parenting style as flexible authoritative. My kids have high medical and special needs and thrive with structure, firm boundaries, and routine.
But. They can also struggle with their executive functioning skills because of their medical conditions. Sometimes they honestly can’t function and put on those darn snow pants or calm down fast enough to avoid hurting someone’s feelings.
And as such, there are times, as the parent who best understands their needs and underdeveloped skills, I need to give a no or not yet to what they’re asking (or as a result of how they’re asking).
We need to teach that “rude doesn’t get” while supporting them to try the better way once they’re calm.
The age-old “because I said so” makes things worse.
Instead, let’s explain why so they see we’re thinking of their best interests, even if they don’t agree or like it.
a real-life example of nurturing relationships while sticking to our guns
For example, as I’m writing this, my daughter asked to play a computer game in between her online classes. I know she is not strong in time management (yet). So on her “off brain” days, I say no – because she can have big meltdowns when it’s time to get off and go back to school. Today, she’s doing well, so I said yes IF she set an alarm on her computer to get off 5 min. before class and stick to it. We’ll see how it goes today😉
On her off days, I validate that it’s hard to hear a no. But I explain calmly and non-judgmentally the reason why. I flip it to show a benefit to her.
“I’m saying no this time because I want you to be ready for class and hear the instructions. You get frustrated when you miss steps and don’t know what to do, right? I want to avoid that today. You can play the game after you’re done with your classes and homework, though. Can I come and watch you?”
This allows me to nurture the relationship even when I need to give a no.
6. Plan an alternative way to get their needs met
Like what I did in that example, a good way to mitigate frustration to a “no” or “not yet” is to come up with a plan B for what they’re asking.
This way, we can try to hold on to their rational brain before the emotions kick in.
Encourage your kids to make a backup plan to meet their needs, such as “can I have it when you’re done?” or “can we come back tomorrow?” As long as it’s put respectfully, people will usually want to listen and try to help.
A child who argues is like a dark storm cloud that’s right in your face. It’s HARD to keep cool when their emotional brain is in control.
But now you have some strategies to avoid arguments and instead practice strengthening their metacognition, flexible thinking and communication skills. Practicing these strategies will bring more peace into your home.
To get started, download the Family Communication Pack to get that free family meeting sheet and put it on your fridge ASAP! (and make sure to keep a pen nearby – we had another meltdown when a kid tried to write something down but couldn’t find the pen!)
What strategy are you most excited to try today? Let me know in the comment and I’ll cheer you on!
read more:
- Frustrated and helpless watching your child erupt from a meltdown? Learn how a volcano box can help and how to put one together today in 5 min.
- Are your discipline techniques teaching or harming your child? Learn how to use the right ones so they feel safe, loved, and receptive.
- 7 products to give your kids a healthy outlet for their frustration
- How to prevent meltdowns due to change, a transition or the unexpected
- 1 printable activity to deal with a stubborn child
- How to make a calming Christmas sensory bucket